


You're All I Ever Wanted (I Think I'll Regret This)

by girlwritesthings



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Break Up, F/M, HEA I promise, I Don't Even Know, Modern AU, One Shot, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, a little (a lot of angst), ok maybe a little long for a one shot, this is my first reylo fic im scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27112627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwritesthings/pseuds/girlwritesthings
Summary: The message was clear. Whatever it was they were doing, it wasn’t a constant thing. It wasn’t even friendship. Just slip ups sent after too many beers and too many tears.Or Rey and Ben breakup and try to move on.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren - Relationship, Kaydel Ko Connix & Jannah, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, rey (star wars) - Relationship
Comments: 80
Kudos: 252
Collections: Comfort Gems 2020





	You're All I Ever Wanted (I Think I'll Regret This)

Ben lays on his stomach, his arm still stretched out towards her side of the bed like he’s trying to find her. But she’s not there. Rey takes in the way the light seeps into the room, splashing across his pale back bathing him in a warm glow. His mouth is parted slightly and his long dark hair falls across his eyes.

She could stand here looking at him forever.

But she can’t.

Because today is the day she moves back home to Chicago.

They were supposed to get breakfast in the Village before she left for the airport, but Rey knows she wouldn’t be able to get on the plane. So she says her goodbyes now with tears falling down her cheeks, drinking in his image one more time.

***

Ben wakes to an empty bed and a text on his phone.

_I love you so much. I’m sorry._

***

Being back in Chicago is… odd. Not much has changed. The Loop is still bustling with an annoying amount of businessmen and tourists, the L still chugs through the city, and Rey’s neighborhood looks the exact same except for a new Starbucks that popped up on the corner. 

It’s been 3 weeks since she left Ben in New York.

3 weeks since she sent every single one of his calls to voicemail until eventually he stopped calling. 

3 weeks and she wonders if she’ll ever feel like her heart isn’t being ripped from her body.

But this is what they agreed on. 791 miles was too far apart to make it work.

Ben couldn’t see himself anywhere except in New York working for Snoke and… Well, the job they offered Rey in Chicago was too good to pass up. And it was home. 

What hurt the most was how little they fought for it. For each other. 

Her phone buzzes in her pocket while she’s walking through Lincoln Park and she does a double take when she sees it’s Ben.

_I wish you’d said goodbye. You owed me that at least._

She doesn’t know how to respond, so she doesn’t. That night she sits in her studio that overlooks Uptown and types out a million responses that she never sends.

***

She throws herself into her new job. Partly because she loves it but mostly because she feels like she gave up Ben for it. And she can’t give up Ben for it not to work out here. 

So she stays at the office late, planning programming for the under-served kids of Chicago. She sets up study sessions during the week and activities for the weekend. She gives rides to the kids whose parents are too busy or who don’t care. She takes note of what kids are especially hungry during snack time, making a note to stop at Costco for more groceries she can prepare to send home with them.

She tries not to think about Ben and what he’s doing in New York. 

No, that will only reopen the scars she’s so desperately worked to stitch back together. 

So she tries to move on. 

In their weekly Facetime, Rose and Kaydel help her setup dating apps. All of them.

“Well, what if your next boyfriend is on Hinge and you’re only on Bumble? Then what?”

So she does it. It’s fun drinking wine with them over her laptop and filling out the prompts and picking the photos. She’s never done this before. Her and Ben met at a party where they were both third wheeling their friends. But she puts a stop to that thought immediately. Best to leave that door closed. 

The first date she goes on is… awful. 

They go to Goose Island and he spends the two hour date talking non-stop about his job as an account manager and his family in the suburbs and how he lives in Wrigley with some of his frat brothers. Not once does he ask Rey a question. She only manages a few sentences about herself when he pauses to take a drink of his beer. 

She isn’t sure when (probably around the time he recounted his senior year homecoming party in excruciating detail) but Rey is drunk. She hadn’t eaten, thinking they would only have a beer or two; but somewhere around the 4th one she feels buzzed.

It’s not until he’s left, awkwardly hugging her before heading back into the brewery to hang with some of his friends who happened to show up as they were leaving, that she starts to feel the night catch up with her.

She pulls out her phone and before she can think, pulls up her messages with Ben.

_I went on a date and it sucked. He wasn’t you. I miss you._

She hits send and while she waits for her lyft, the tears finally come.

***

A year goes by and she doesn’t hear from Ben.

She doesn’t think about him much anymore. 

Really, she doesn’t. 

Ok, sometimes when she’s on the phone with Poe and he’s telling her about what he and Hux and Ben did over the weekend her breath catches and the pain is back like it was just yesterday. And maybe when she’s on the train and she sees a tall, broad, dark haired man she thinks that maybe it could be him. And ok, so sometimes she scrolls through her camera roll, lingering on her favorite pictures of him. 

But really she doesn’t think about him that often.

So when he texts her one Saturday night while she’s out with the few friends she’s managed to make, she definitely doesn’t sprint to the bathroom to read it.

_Remember that guy that used to sell elote outside your building? He’s set up shop not too far from where I live now. Still so fucking good._

Her lips tilt up. It’s not much. Actually it’s nothing really. Nothing about how he is, what he’s doing, or if he saw her last text (he did, he still has read receipts on like a weirdo).

But at that moment Rey doesn’t care. He thought of her. Of them. And that’s enough.

***

Fall in Chicago is Rey’s favorite time. Most people say nothing beats Chicago in the summer or even Millenium Park at Christmas time. But Rey prefers fall, when the leaves are crimson and gold and there’s a bite to the air. Where she can still walk to the lake and sit and watch the waves without freezing to death. 

She’s enjoying one of those rare Chicago October days where the sun is bright and warm on her skin but it’s just chilly enough for her chai latte to warm her back up. She’s walking around Lakeview, stopping in the shops and enjoying the day. Nothing could break this beautiful spell she’s in. 

She almost texts Ben. Just to describe her day, what she’s looking at, and the music she’s listening to. But she doesn’t. She had replied to his last text over the summer and he didn’t text back.

The message was clear. Whatever it was they were doing, it wasn’t a constant thing. It wasn’t even friendship. Just slip ups sent after too many beers and too many tears. 

So she continues down Belmont, Phoebe Bridgers crooning softly in her ear. 

***

She hears from Poe about Ben’s new girlfriend on a cold Monday in January. 

Her morning was already bad enough. First, she missed her train and had to wait an extra 12 minutes for the next red line. Then she spilled her thermos of coffee on herself after some guy had bumped into her trying to grab the last open seat. Most of it was on the floor and only a little on her shoes but still, it didn’t feel like a good omen for the first week of the new year. 

It’s on her lunch break when Poe calls her about last minute details of his engagement party with Finn and that she can bring a plus one if she wants but he really does need to know soon since he’s already scrambling to accommodate Ben’s girlfriend-

“What?” She gasps, almost choking on the protein bar she’d been nibbling on at her desk.

“...What?” Poe says slowly, playing dumb.

“Poe.”

“Ok, but to be clear I didn’t want to be the one to tell you, Finn was supposed to.” He’s stalling, she can tell. But she won’t give in and so she sits silently waiting for him to continue. “Fine, her name is Bazine, they met at some networking event and they’ve been dating since October, I think.”

Rey doesn’t say anything. What is there to say? They aren’t dating. Haven’t been for a year and a half. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Poe rambles on, clearly uncomfortable and not knowing when to stop.

“Honestly, we were gonna tell you when we found out but then we thought he just brought her for the Halloween party. And then he just kept bringing her around to stuff and honest to God Rey we didn’t think it would still be going on.”

Rey still can’t talk. She feels as if somebody has come along and removed her insides leaving nothing behind.

“And she’s kind of a bitch. Ok, there I said it. Everybody thinks it but they’re too chicken shit to say something to Ben but she is. The absolute worst. She didn’t laugh ONCE when we had our annual Twilight marathon.” Poe pauses, she can almost hear him thinking, trying to figure out what else there is to say. 

“I’m glad for him,” she chokes out. And she almost believes it. “Really. It’s not like I can be mad.”

“Rey…”

“But you don’t have to worry about me bringing a plus one!” Her voice is pitched a little too high, too chipper for the pain she’s currently feeling. “I am a single pringle. An old maid. A spinster, if you will.” 

Poe laughs a little. 

“Alright, okay yeah. Cool. Well I ummm… I have to go but we’ll see you soon?” 

“Sure! See you soon! Super soon!” She hangs up before her voice cracks and gives her away. 

If she takes a half day at work to walk over to the AMC near her office and cry her way through the latest Oscar hopeful, well then that’s her business.

She deletes his number when she gets home.

***

Rey manages to avoid Ben for the entire engagement party. Although it doesn’t seem too difficult as his new girlfriend Bazine seems to be tracking Rey’s movements and keeping Ben as far from Rey as possible. 

Which is just fine for Rey. 

She spends most of the party attached to Rose, Kaydel, and Kaydel’s girlfriend Jannah, like a leech. When they get up to get drinks, she follows. When they want to dance, she dances. When they go to the bathroom, she goes too. 

She is absolutely not avoiding Ben. No, she just really missed her best friends and wants to have a good weekend. That’s all. 

The night slips by and she’s lost count of how many drinks she’s had. They’ve moved from the engagement party to a dive bar they used to frequent in college. 

After Poe insists another round of shots on him, she slips into the bathroom and stands in front of the mirror, taking inventory of herself. Her eyes are a little glazed thanks to Poe’s dab pen and her lips are stained red from the jello shots. Her body sways lightly and her lips tilt up at the corners. 

She feels good. 

She almost forgets about Ben and the way Bazine has wrapped herself around him like a vine in the corner of the booth, ignoring the conversation in favor of whispering in his ear. 

She finishes washing her hands and steps out of the bathroom into a solid wall of man. 

“Oof.” 

Large, solid hands grip her shoulders to steady her and she doesn’t have to look up to know who they belong to. She’d remember his touch even years from now. But she looks up anyway.

Her eyes land first on his white dress shirt and she notices he’s undone the top two buttons to expose the skin at the base of his throat. She watches his throat bob as he swallows. Her eyes continue their journey up his neck, over the stubble at his jaw, the moles on his cheeks and finally landing on his honeyed brown eyes.

That are looking straight back at her. 

“You good?” His voice is low and she can feel his chest rumbling with each word.

Rey manages a nod, the high she was on just moments ago seems to be dissolving the longer she stands here. 

His hands don’t move from her shoulders, though, and the moment stretches on and on as the noise of the bar fades to a low hum that seems so far away. 

Her eyes drop to his lips, just inches from her own and for a moment she forgets where they are. She forgets that he’s here with someone else, she forgets she doesn’t live here anymore, she forgets that she left him, breaking her heart and his in the process. It’s just her and Ben the way it used to be. And God, she’s tempted to close the distance between them. To see if his lips are as soft as she remembers, to see if he tastes the same. She can see in his eyes that he wouldn’t stop her and that’s what pulls her out of the moment.

She pulls herself out of his grasp and he blinks down at her, like he’s coming out of a trance. 

“Sorry, I- um. Sorry,” she stutters, backing up, her back pressed against the wall until she reaches the end of the hallway back to the bar. “I’m sorry.” 

She disappears around the corner and Ben just stands there watching her go. Like always.

***

Back in Chicago Rey decides it’s time to move on. If he can, so can she. 

She re-downloads her dating apps and goes on a few first dates. One date with a teacher, Austin, turns into a second date and then a third. By the time summer starts she doesn’t even hesitate to introduce him to her friends as her boyfriend when they come to visit that June. 

Austin is kind and attentive. He takes her to afternoon matinees at the Music Box and they spend Sundays at Montrose Beach, reading and tanning next to Lake Michigan. He doesn’t get upset when she lets his texts go unread for days on end while she’s busy at work.

The sex is fine. Maybe she’s been ruined by Ben, maybe the sex _is_ good and she’s just been spoiled. The sex with Ben had been otherworldly and she’s just accepted nothing will touch that. 

Things are, for the most part, good. 

She thinks about Ben less and less. She barely even reacts in July when Finn tells her he dumped Bazine after a very public fight where Rey’s name may or may not have come up several times. She’s secretly pleased but then the guilt creeps in when she thinks about Austin. 

Ben’s latest text sits in her phone under an unsaved number. 

_Sometimes I wake up and I think you’re still here. If I keep my eyes closed long enough I can pretend it’s true._

She doesn’t reply, of course. But if she had she would have said every night before she falls asleep she thinks of watching him asleep in bed the morning she left. How she memorized every freckle, every mole. How sometimes she would give anything to go back and to stay, to undo these last two years and come home. Because while she may be from Chicago, her home will always be in his arms, her ear pressed to his chest listening to his heart beat for her. 

***

The day she and Austin break up is like any other Tuesday. It happens over the phone, which Rey hates but they’re both so busy with work that doing it in person is going to be too hard to coordinate. 

He takes it well and wishes her the best. She thinks he could be a good friend to have one day.

It’s around then that she starts to resent Chicago just a little. She loves this city more than anything, really she does. 

She loves the innate politeness of everybody here in the Midwest, she loves the way everybody absolutely _adores_ this city, and she loves the magic of feeling like she’s stepped back in time while walking through the historic neighborhoods. But she misses her friends and she misses the bustle of New York and she misses feeling like she belongs somewhere. 

Here, she’s just treading water. 

And so she decides it’s time to leave.

***

She's back in Brooklyn a month later, crashing with Finn and Poe and weathering the storm that is their wedding planning. But she loves it.

She’s found a job doing after school programming for middle schoolers, similar to what she did in Chicago but on a much smaller scale. She and Rose are even apartment hunting in Bed-Stuy since Kaydel is moving in with her girlfriend, Jannah. 

And she begins texting Ben again. 

Not often, but every so often.

Small things, like how her day is or if he’s been to see his parents lately. And he responds. He tells her about a dog he adopted and his new apartment in Brooklyn Heights and he asks about her apartment search. They don’t talk about her leaving, or his breakup. He doesn’t ask about Austin even though she knows that he knows about him. 

They’re friends. Or trying to be. 

She doesn’t see him, though. She’s busy with her new job and helping mediate heated wedding planning arguments between Finn and Poe who can’t seem to decide if they want gold or black font on their invites. Rey suggests maroon and that settles the argument. 

But she knows that even if she had the time, she would find an excuse to not see him. It’s still hard. Their history presses down on her like a weight and she wonders if they’ll ever be able to move past it. 

They don’t talk about that night in the bar.

But they do talk, and Rey is willing to take what she can get. 

***

The closer the wedding gets, the harder Rey finds it to avoid Ben. Seeing as he is Poe’s best man and she is Finn’s best-woman-maid-of-honor-best-friend-slash-wedding-planning-assistant. They need to get a better name for her role in this wedding.

The first time she sees him after moving back is when he comes over to help address and mail the invites. Rey wasn’t told he would be there and she’s dressed in a pair of cotton shorts and a hoodie that she had stolen from him years ago, when they first started dating. He doesn’t say anything when he sees her, just does that thing where he quirks his eyebrow. 

Honestly, it’s not too bad. Everyone is there and Rey can fall into the conversation and almost pretend Ben isn’t sitting just a few feet away, watching her. And he is. Watching her. She can feel his eyes on her every time she looks down. It takes everything in her not to stare back at him. 

That is until the conversation turns to him.

“So, how’s the job search going?” Poe asks after a few minutes of comfortable silence. 

Rey’s head snaps up at that.

“You quit at First Order?” She asks, finally meeting his gaze. 

Ben swallows, and nods. 

“Yeah, about a month ago.”

Rey doesn’t know what to say so she turns her attention back to the envelope she’s holding, carefully placing the invite in it. She wants to tell him she’s proud of him for leaving that awful place. She wants to know what the last straw was. She wonders why he hadn’t told her in any of their text conversations and then she remembers they’re not really friends. Not like that, not anymore. 

So she sits and listens while he talks about how he has an interview with a non-profit who is looking for someone to handle their increasing donations and manage their program funds. How it’s a huge decrease in pay but he doesn’t mind, as long as he doesn’t have to go back to Snoke. 

When she looks back up she sees he’s still looking at her and she can’t help it, she gives him a small smile that he returns. 

It’s not much but it feels like a new beginning. 

***

After that they stop dancing around each other so much. They text almost daily now, mostly about the wedding and their duties but still, it’s something. 

They even get coffee once or twice. 

They don’t talk about what happened. Even though it’s been over two years it still feels too fresh. 

He texts her when he gets the job at the non-profit and she immediately calls. He sounds surprised but she can hear the smile in his voice. 

She tells him that she’s proud of him. 

***

It’s move-in day for her and Rose. They finally found a 2 bedroom that wasn’t either insanely expensive or a nightmare from hell. 

And Ben is there, helping them move.

She had been texting him earlier that week, complaining about how hard it would be to move their furniture up the three flights of stairs and wondering if she could find it in her budget to hire movers. 

And Ben had replied almost instantly, _I’ll help._

So here they are, sitting in their new living room, going through the boxes they carried up after Ben insisted that he and Hux could handle the big stuff.

“So what’s going on with you and Ben?” Rose asks out of nowhere.

Rey’s head snaps to the door to make sure they’re alone, but Ben and Hux had just left to get Rey’s bookshelf out of the UHaul. 

“What do you mean? Nothing’s going on, we’re barely even friends.” Rey says, unable to meet Rose’s eyes.

Rose smirks.

“Sure, Jan.” 

They continue to unpack the boxes in silence, moving onto the kitchen next and Rey thinks whatever that was is dropped until-

“He used to ask about you all the time, you know. Back when you first moved.” 

Rey has her back to Rose, placing their mismatched dishes in the cabinet, so she doesn’t see Rey’s eyes widen slightly.

“Oh?” It’s all she can manage.

“Yeah. Just things like how you were, if you liked your job, if you were seeing anyone. He only stopped asking when he started dating Bazine because she would lose her shit every time your name came up.” 

They shuffle through the kitchen, stocking the drawers and cabinets while Rey mulls this over.

“Oh.”

But before she can say anymore, Ben and Hux return with the last of the smaller bits that were left in the truck. 

Everything is in the apartment now and the girls thank them for their help, promising a 12 pack of beer for each of them the next time they get together. 

Rey drifts to the back of her apartment to her new bedroom to unpack her things. Ben’s already put together her bed, going the extra step to put her sheets and bedding on. She notices he’s placed her favorite book on the bedside table as well. 

She can’t help the fluttering in her chest as she reflects on Rose’s earlier question. 

_What is going on with her and Ben?_

***

That question tumbles around her head in the weeks leading up to the wedding. 

She thinks about it as they spend more time together to go over the rehearsal dinner and make sure everything is set for the bachelor parties. 

She thinks about it when he surprises her at the office with bagels for lunch. 

And again when she dog sits for him over Thanksgiving while he visits his parents upstate. 

She especially thinks about it the first Saturday of December when she wakes up to a text from him asking if he wants to help her shop for Christmas gifts. She responds _yes_ immediately.

He shows up at her apartment an hour later with a chai latte for her and a red eye for him and she greets him with a hug. It feels good, feels natural.

And it’s one of the best days she’s had in awhile. 

Rey insists they go into Manhattan despite Ben’s protests. As a New York native he despises everything about New York at Christmastime but Rey can’t help it, she loves the tackiness of it all. She doesn’t even mind the tourists that much.

And Ben… Well, he could never really say no to her.

And so they spend the morning traipsing through Midtown, buying gifts for their friends. Rey helps Ben pick out a new wallet for his dad and they stop at a skincare store for his mom.

Ben is holding a facial cleanser in his hand, blinking down at it in confusion.

“But she doesn’t really wear makeup, does she need a cleanser?” He asks, turning to Rey who just stares at him, mouth open in shock.

“Ben. Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“What?” He shifts uncomfortably, placing the bottle back on the shelf.

“You do know that you should always use a cleanser, right? It’s not just to remove makeup.”

Ben just continues to blink at her and she can’t help it, she bursts out laughing. He looks like a child caught saying something that he shouldn’t but nobody will tell him why it’s wrong.

“Ok, we will come back to this later but I think you should go with this set here. It’s got a cleanser, an eye serum, a face serum, and a moisturizer. And it's made for women with mature skin so she’ll love it. Also maybe a mask too and oh! She would absolutely adore this hand cream and-” 

She looks back at Ben, her words dying in her throat because Ben is looking at her like he used to when they would lay in bed together, sweaty and spent. There’s a small smile on his lips and his eyes are soft as he looks down at her. She swallows quickly and the moment stretches for one, two, three seconds and when did she drift so close to him? Her body is pressed into his side and she can feel the heat of his body through his coat and-

The moment is broken by an associate asking if they have any questions on the products and without moving his eyes from hers, Ben politely tells the employee, “No, we’re good.”

The moment is gone and Ben grabs the products off the shelf, shuffling to the register to pay. 

Rey waits for him at the door, chewing her bottom lip and watching him. 

_What the fuck is going on with her and Ben?_

***

December flies by and suddenly it’s Christmas and Rey has the apartment to herself. Rose flew out to California to spend the holiday with Paige, Kaydel is meeting Jannah’s family, and Poe and Finn are having both of their families over and while they invited her so she wouldn’t have to spend the day alone, she declined. 

She doesn’t mind spending the holidays alone, she’s been doing it her whole life.

The only time she had a real “traditional” christmas holiday was in college with Ben. He had driven them upstate to his parents house, his knuckles white on the steering wheel as he apologized in advance for anything his parents might do or say and for the inevitable tension. 

It hadn’t been _that_ bad, honestly. At times it was every bit as tense as Ben had said but it mostly it was actually quite lovely. It was clear his parents loved him and she couldn’t help but feel a little bitter at that. 

Growing up she would have given anything to have an awkward Christmas with her family instead of the depressing memories of sitting alone in whatever foster home she was placed in at the time, wondering if her parents were ever coming back for her. 

Christmas with Ben had shown her what her life could be and it scared her how bad she wanted it. 

Maybe that’s why it was so easy for her to leave 6 months later. 

Rey shakes that thought out of her head and heads into the kitchen to put the kettle on the stove for her hot chocolate. She’s decided to celebrate her first Christmas back in New York with all of her favorite movies, starting with Miracle on 34th Street. 

She’s pulling the sugar cookies out of the oven when she hears a knock on the door. 

Rey waits, assuming it’s just someone at the wrong apartment but the knocking continues.

“Rey, it’s me.” Ben’s voice is muffled on the other side of the door.

She quickly crosses the apartment and flings the door open and there he is. Covered in snow.

“Hi?”

“Hi.” He smiles at her, shaking his head so the snow flies off his dark curls and onto her face. 

“Bennn… stop it,” but she’s laughing and so is he. She steps back, letting him in and he toes off his boots and drops his coat onto the rack. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at your parents?”

Ben continues into the apartment and flops himself down on the couch, making himself at home. It’s not the first time he’s been over since they’ve begun this tenuous friendship but it is the first time he’s shown up unannounced.

“The roads are shit and if I make it out there, I’ll just be snowed in for days.” He grimaces at the thought. 

“Oh, yeah that sounds awful.” Rey shuffles in the entryway, not sure what to do. “Umm, I was making hot chocolate if you want some?”

Ben grins. “Sure.”

Back in the kitchen she pulls out a second mug and another packet of hot chocolate mix and waits for the kettle to whistle. 

Once the hot chocolate is done she carries them back to the living room and hands Ben his mug.

“Thank you,” he says, licking at the whipped cream she had plopped on top. Her eyes track the movement of his tongue and it’s not until he clears his throat that she realizes he’s watching her practically salivate over his tongue so she tears her eyes away.

Rey reaches for the remote switching the TV on to her Prime account. 

“I was gonna do a Christmas movie marathon. I hope that’s okay?” She glances over at him and he nods. 

And so they settle in on the couch, sharing a heated blanket, sipping at their hot chocolate and making the occasional joke while the snow falls in sheets outside the window.

Rey doesn’t know what’s going on with them anymore but that’s a problem for another day. Today she wants to sit with Ben and pretend for just a few hours that all of her Christmases could be like this one.

***

Less than a week later and Rey finds herself seated next to Ben again, except this time it’s at the rehearsal dinner for Poe and Finn’s wedding. Something’s shifted since Christmas but Rey can’t put a finger on what it is. And to be honest, she’s a little afraid to put words to it out of fear of ruining whatever this is. 

The dinner goes off without a hitch and by the time they make it to after-dinner cocktails, Rey can finally take a breath. Now she just has to get through tomorrow and she’ll finally be able to relax. 

Well, almost relax. 

Ben has been hovering near her all night, not quite next to her but never too far out of sight. And the more she sips at her champagne the more she finds herself orbiting him as well.

She’s saying goodbye to Finn in the lobby of the event space when she feels her phone vibrate in her clutch.

It’s Ben.

_Come out to the garden._

She smiles to herself and gives Finn one last hug, promising to be over bright and early in the morning to start wedding day preparations.

She finds Ben in the middle of what is probably a lovely garden in the summertime. But right now it’s just covered in snow with the skyline serving as a twinkling backdrop. Ben is standing in the middle of the garden with his back to her, silhouetted by the lights and Rey’s breath catches in her throat. He’s wearing a dark navy suit that hugs his broad back and why hadn't she noticed how much bigger he is now. 

“Hey.” 

He turns around and his mouth quirks up.

“Hey.”

They stand smiling at each other for a few seconds until Rey shivers from the brisk wind and suddenly Ben is in front of her, shrugging his jacket off and draping it around her shoulders.

She blinks up at him. “Thank you”

“Come here, look at the view.” And his fingers are circling her wrist, tugging her across the garden towards the skyline. Rey notices that Ben’s fingers have moved from her wrist to lace themselves through her fingers. She tells herself it’s just to keep their hands warm.

For a few minutes they stand and look out over the city. It really is beautiful. 

“I didn’t understand why you didn’t say goodbye. For a long time. I still don’t.” 

And just like that reality comes crashing back. Rey squirms, but Ben’s grip on her hand tightens, and his thumb slides soothingly against hers. 

“Rey, why did you do it?”

They don’t look at each other and that makes it easier for Rey to say what she needs to.

“It was going too well.”

She hears his breath hitch but she needs to get this out. It’s been burrowing into her heart for two years, she needs to release it.

“I’m not used to things going well for me. At least not for long. You know how it is, with my… umm with my parents.” At that he squeezes her hand reassuringly. “I thought it would be easier if I just left first. And that morning I think I knew I had made the wrong choice. I knew if you woke up I wouldn’t be able to leave. I was scared.”

Ben doesn’t say anything, he just lets the words settle around them. And then he’s tugging her towards him, so they’re face to face. His other hand cups her chin and he tilts her face up so she has to look into his eyes.

“What about now? Are you scared now? Because Rey I-” at this he takes a breath and his fingers on her jaw tighten just a little. “I tried to give you space. I tried to move on. I tried it all and I know I should be mad at you for how you left us. For a long time I was actually. But more than that I just… I don’t know. I’m tired of pretending like you’re not it for me. Because you are.”

Rey’s heart is hammering in her ribs and she wants more than anything to reach up and pulls his mouth to hers but she can’t. Not yet.

“I’m sorry,” she chokes out, a tear slipping down her cheek. “I’m so sorry Ben.”

“Hey, shhh.. It’s okay.” Her eyes flutter close as his thumb swipes away the tears that can’t stop falling. And suddenly his lips are moving across her face, kissing each tear away, until she feels them pause, blowing warm air across her lips. 

She opens her eyes.

“I’m still scared, Ben.” He nods, like he understands. And maybe he does. 

“I know, sweetheart.” 

His lips brush against hers with his words and she’s not sure if she leans in or if he does but suddenly her lips are on his and she can taste him and the salt of her tears as their lips move together. She sighs, her mouth parting slightly but Ben takes his opportunity and his tongue slips into her mouth and just like that, she’s gone.

They’ll have to talk about this more, eventually. They’ll have to open their scars and examine their hurt. 

But not right now. 

Not when her hands are tangling in his hair while his lips work their way along her jaw until he’s nipping at her ear. A shiver runs through her body and she presses herself closer to him and realizes that his normally overheated body is _freezing._

“Ben,” she manages to whisper. But Ben is focusing on the spot below her ear that he shouldn’t remember she loves. “Ben.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s fucking freezing.” At that he pulls back from her and chuckles, the sound rumbles in his chest. 

“Do you…” He pauses, suddenly nervous and blushing. “Do you want to come back to my place?”

She nods.

***

Later, she lays on her back on his bed and he moves over her, slow and torturous. Ben’s hair drips with sweat and the ends tickle her face but she doesn’t care. 

All she can do is wrap her legs around his waist, crossing her ankles to hold him inside her while her hands struggle to find purchase on his back. 

It isn’t until Ben’s thumb brushes across her cheek that she realizes she’s crying again. She wants to tell him it’s okay. 

Wants to point out how perfectly they fit together, how it’s never been like this with anybody else. 

But she can’t form words so she presses her chest to his and their lips find each other as he slips a hand between them, circling her clit just so. And soon they’re coming together and he’s collapsing on her, his body warm and heavy but when he goes to push himself off of her she tightens her grip and holds him in place. 

It’s not until she feels him soften in her that she loosens enough to let him pull out and he rolls them onto their sides, tucking her head under his chin. 

Her ear finds that spot on his chest where she can hear his heart beating and she knows that finally, she’s home. 

***

It’s not always easy. 

Sometimes they stumble upon a hurt they thought had healed. Sometimes Rey’s fear suffocates her and Ben doesn’t know what to do so he holds her and tells her it’s okay. Sometimes Ben has a bad day and snaps at Rey when she tries to comfort him.

But they work on it together.

The biggest thing is remembering not to think about back then and compare it to now. Ben says that it’s not healthy for them to compare the two. That they can learn to grow and love each other without constantly comparing it to _before._

And so they move forward.

As winter moves to spring, Brooklyn finds Ben and Rey walking through the park with his dog, hand in hand. 

In the summer they buy a dozen popsicles at the bodega to keep themselves cool after Rey’s AC breaks. 

In the fall she moves her things across Brooklyn into Ben’s place. Rey christens her new home by riding Ben on the couch. _Their_ couch now.

At Christmas she finds herself driving a familiar road upstate but this time Ben is relaxed, his hand resting on her thigh while he drives.

And when she wakes on New Year's Day in his arms and he places a velvet black box between them, she doesn’t question whether she deserves to be this happy. She just presses her lips to his and tastes the salt of his tears on her tongue when she finally whispers _yes_ into his skin.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you Ash for being a SAINT and helping me figure this out ily
> 
> [I'm on twitter here](https://twitter.com/reyloanon)


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